I’m about to break my own rule and get a little too personal for a newsletter that gets read by this many people. Why? Not for personal comfort’s sake. After all, vulnerability opens a person up to being misunderstood. It can bring out the “fixer” in others and leave you feeling like a project. So why get personal? Well, in hopes that my journey will resonate with someone else, or perhaps broaden another’s perspective. Or maybe I’m writing for me, in hopes that my thoughts, once written, will make more sense.
Ten years ago I wouldn’t have called myself cynical. No one warned me that ministry could harden you. I didn’t know that you could start out overflowing with feelings of love for a people group, and then after ten years of them mostly not loving you back, you would be left with a simple choice to love. No one told me that in the beginning you would long to help these people in all kinds of ways, but after too many years of feeling like a resource instead of a person who is knowable, your heart would sink every time your phone rang or someone showed up on your porch; and you would think, “What do they want this time?”
I didn’t realize that you could spend years pursuing relationships in your village, and after mostly failing to get close to people, you would find yourself building walls around your heart in hopes that no one ever would get close; not because you don’t want to be close, but because of all the needs, and for fear of getting hurt. The closer you become to someone, the more requests they have, and the more offensive it is to say, "no". A relationship you cultivated for two years — the closest thing to a friendship you have — can end when you have to say "no" to a request. When it comes down to it, the hours of conversation and the ways you served meant nothing in light of your "no". Things like that make you want to wall off your heart permanently.
I find myself wanting to rebuke people for thinking only of barley bread instead of Heavenly Bread. After all, Jesus did that. But then I realize that my motives are all too self-protecting, whereas Jesus was truly and only concerned for their souls. If anyone ever had occasion to feel used, it was Jesus. No one, literally no one, sought Him for all the right reasons. All the hordes of people surrounding Him, and not one of them had completely pure motives for being with Him. And thousands of years later, can we say that we are different?
I have prayed to know Jesus better, to understand more of who He is, to fellowship with Him. And He says, “Do you truly want to know me? Take part in my suffering.” I have prayed to comprehend the love of Christ so that I can extend it to others. And He says, “Do you really want to understand the depth of my love? Love someone who doesn’t love you back, and you’ll understand in a tiny measure how it felt to be God in the flesh.”
Jesus’ heart never grew stony. Never once do we see Him lash out in frustration at someone else. Even when He tried to get away and the needs followed Him, he responded with compassion. He was truly void of selfishness, never protecting Himself to avoid getting hurt. His heart was soft and tender to the end. Jesus, how?
Perhaps He fully understood that the only chance of relationship with us would be through His own initiative. And at His own expense. Perhaps He knew our frame, remembered that we are dust, and accepted the fact that lost sinners would not act like saints. Perhaps He reminded Himself daily, hourly, that His mission was about the Father’s glory. Perhaps He wept and poured out His heart to the Father, because no one else understood. Perhaps He kept a soft heart for many more reasons I can’t yet comprehend... but I can start with these. Hard hearts can soften.
There were a lot of things I didn’t know ten years ago. I didn’t know how hard it would be. I didn’t know how I would sometimes lose myself in the midst of the hardness. But I also didn’t know JESUS as well as I do now. Is it worth it? Yes, a thousand times. What I have gained is far better than what I have lost.
— EW, Mixtec team
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